One of the hardest parts of this healing journey for me has been forgiveness. 

A simple internet search shows forgiveness as a conscious and deliberate act of releasing anger, resentment, 

and the desire for revenge towards someone who has wronged us. But what if we aren't actually conscious of it?

I feel like our society is built around keeping us "on track" and unconscious to our own inner reality...

 

I know I wasn't aware of it for a very long time... Especially when it came to anger and resentment toward myself!

It showed up in other ways for me like self harm, drinking, smoking weed, and even being over sexual.... 

Truthfully, just about anything I could do to avoid the uncomfortable things I was feeling toward myself.

Now you may be questioning how all of those play into how I felt about myself so I will explain. 

 

I went through a lot as I child and in quite a few cases, 

I felt like it was somehow my responsibility to save some of the adults in my life. 

And well, because I was a child and couldn't save them, subconsciously I was angry with myself. 

I couldn't save them... So, I felt I needed to be punished for it...

I self harmed and started smoking, trying to cover up those uncomfortable feelings.

 

Now I see now where that was wrong thinking. But it took conscious effort, and

truly getting to know myself. Allowing those feelings to come up and making space to understand them.

And this is where healing and shadow work and consciousness work comes into play...

 

To me, forgiveness means finding love and compassion in the situation... 

Whether it be for yourselves or another within a situation. 

 

Another really tricky situation for me was being raped. It happened when I was 12. 

And completely led to me being over sexual as a young adult into adulthood... 

Subconsciously, I was so angry with myself. How could I have let it happen in the first place?

How could I have gone 2 weeks without telling anyone for fear I would somehow get in trouble. 

Again, I needed to be punished for it. And since it was punishment for sex and sex already felt like a punishment

because I was raped and didn't want it in the first place, that's how it showed up for me... 

 

Bringing these things to light has been so scary, and uncomfortable but also soooo healing. 

I hope that in sharing my own experiences, it can encourage and help you on your healing journey as well. 

It may not be easy, but it is soooooo worth it and so are you!!!!